mission soap box

Here's how it went down.

First, there was the pre planning: I'd scouted the location the day before and found that the target facility opened at 07:30 hours. I gathered the materials I would need to successfully prosecute the mission. I was equipped with a bottle of the latest liquid detergent, my iPod, a book, iced tea, and most importantly a huge pile of quarters.

My mission was pretty simple. Wash and dry two queen sized comforters that would not fit in our own laundry machines at home. Secondary objectives included getting in and out before the mid day heat set in and the interior temperatures climbed to 180 degrees.

Second, was insertion: I packed the mission equipment and the comforters into the backseat of the car. The vehicle for this mission was the 2006 Chevy Impala. Perfect for the mission, it was big like a battle ship and the silver impala makes every occupant look like they are an old man. A good disguise for the mission. After driving over the mountain and through the woods, I arrived at the objective. It wasn't pretty.

When was the last time that you were in a laundromat? I can't remember my last time, but the place was instantly familiar the moment I walked inside. The same detergent smell, the attendant with the broom and the out of order signs. All of the machines were lined up in rows like armies of short squat robots, ready to devour my linens. 

Third, the action began: I left the heavy equipment in the mission vehicle and scouted ahead first. After reconnning the joint, I spied what I was looking for. A Load Master 3000, the most advanced technology of laundry washing machinery. This baby can handle 60 pounds in a single load. Big enough to wash both comforters at the same time, I had found my machine. I returned to the car and hauled in the supplies and the subject bed clothes.

Any old campaigner can tell you that the moment you put your plan together, Murphy will throw you a monkey wrench. The Load Master 3000 was down for repairs and had an out of order tag. I kicked myself in the groin because I should have seen that during the recon (Kicking your own groin is not easy, but I am a specially trained professional, don't try it at home). A quick look around rewarded me with a second Load Master 3000 in working order on the opposite end of the row. I placed the subject comforters inside the machines gaping maul, fired off a cap of detergent and started pumping quarters as though my life depended on it. At $5.75 the machine was ready to go and I punched the start button.

This was the moment of truth. Would the machine do its job? I held my breath and waited. I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. Yes! The machine roared to life like a well drilled trooper. The the big gun was in action!

Fourth, Transition: After 18 bone rattling minutes, the Load Master was finished and ready to spit out its soaking contents. I opened the capsule door and removed the two comforters in one giant dripping wad of cleanliness and ran over the the dryers facing me from the opposite wall. SNAFU number two! The dryers were too small to handle them both at one time. Don't panic, don't panic. In a flash, I came up with an inspired alteration to the plan. I simply used two adjacent driers in parallel. Once again I pumped in quarters until both machines roared to life.

These baby's were awesome. They were like deserts in a can, driving the moisture from the subjects inside. In 45 minutes and a few comforter rotations, I had two clean and dry linen objects in hand and was ready to head home.

Fifth, the recovery and extraction: Mission accomplished, I was ready to go. Two trips was all that was necessary to reload the mission vehicle. Once again, disguised as a balding and fat old man, I cranked the Impala's key and the engine roared to life. The ride home was bumpy but I had made it out alive and in one piece. Not a single casualty was reported in the entire skirmish. The entire action had taken only an hour and fifteen minutes from launch to recovery.

Damn, it is good to be a red blooded American hero! Now I am off to watch Rachel Ray on the Food Network. I'm planning my next mission: 30 Minute Enchiladas. Wish me luck folks.